by Natasha Josefowitz, Ph.D.
Dr. Natasha Josefowitz is an internationally recognized author, poet, lecturer, and a trailblazer of women empowerment and workplace diversity. https://natashaswords.com/about-natasha/
Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
These are the first two lines of Ella Wheeler Wilcox’s 1883 poem “Solitude.” Little did she know that this thought was the precursor of contemporary cognitive science, which has discovered the mechanism behind empathy: mirror neurons.
When we get excited at a football game, cry during a sad movie, or turn away from some horror depicted on a TV screen, it is because our brains think that what we see and hear is happening to us. This is why I no longer go to movies depicting events that will upset me or create lasting images of horror in my brain. On the other hand, when we watch something funny or read about a touching love story, we feel good inside. Our neurons mirror our perceptions of others’ feelings. We are wired to imitate behaviors—we yawn and cough when others do.
We react to others’ moods and behaviors, and others react to ours. Knowing this allows us to take more control over others’ reactions than we might otherwise think possible. Just by smiling, we can elicit smiles in others and maybe even lift their moods. Servers make better tips and salespeople sell more when they smile.
But smiling goes well beyond reciprocity. Smiling people are seen as more trust-worthy, more approachable. Workers are not only seen as more competent when they smile, they become more creative and more productive. We have all heard the expression: “Mind over matter.” Our thoughts influence our bodies on a cellular level. Positive thoughts induce physical relaxation which in turn reduces stress and give us the confidence to forge ahead and take action.
Our brains can be trained to be more positive by smiling more throughout the day. Even though we may not feel like it, using our facial muscles to form a smile, causes our brains think something nice is happening and release feel-good hormones that boost our moods. Others smiling at us also feeds our reward systems.
If we can change someone’s mood by smiling at them, we can also change a group’s affect by our behavior. We have all been a boring groups, complaining groups, ineffective groups. Each one of us as a member of the group shares a responsibility for the group’s improvement. If we are in a boring group, I we can ask a question or share something for others to respond to. In a complaining group, we can change the focus by saying: “Is there anything good or positive we can say about the topic?” In an ineffective group we can ask if we are focusing on the topic. I am not saying that this will always work, sometimes, it is impossible to improve the group’s performance or mood, however it is always worthwhile to make the effort. We can change the tenor of our voices, our body posture, eye contact, and, of course, smile.
I don’t want to sound Pollyannaish by saying you should walk around grinning all day. Smiling is just one behavior you can control and use for your own benefit as well as that of others. It does not negate the use of empathy which is needed when responding to someone else’s distress. We can protect ourselves up to a point, but not to the extent that we become inured to the feelings of others.
On one hand, we are advised to surround ourselves with positive people, eschew negative ones, visualize success in our endeavors. On the other hand, we also need to be there with empathy for the friends who need our understanding of their problems which we can only do by feeling what they are feeling and thus be truly helpful.
And so I’ll put a twist on Ella Wheeler Wilcox’s time-tested wisdom: smile and the world will smile with you, cry and hope someone will cry with you too.
Copyright © 2015. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.
